Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Through this process of change, there are many moments of self doubt. With a lifetime of poor decision making, I often wonder at times if a choice I am making is the right one. Praying for guidance and comfort, then trusting in myself to interpret the spirit can feel confusing and overwhelming. While at times I feel "tuned in" to the spirit, more often than not, I get lost and distracted when fear and my expectations cloud what the spirit is trying to say to me.
It was only my second night in Denver. In needing a complete disconnection from the people of my past, I moved to Denver and into an apartment with my niece. It's a quaint, little apartment in an old brick building near the downtown area. That particular night, my niece had left to hang out with friends and I was alone in the apartment. I was feeling a mixture of emotions, but mainly what I was feeling was overwhelming anxiety. Being in a new place, an entirely new city..felt very unsettling. I didn't know my way around and other than my niece I didn't know a soul. That night I couldn't get my phone's internet to work. It being Saturday night, I was hoping to make it to church the next day. The problem was, I didn't know where the chapel was or what time church started but I felt strongly that I needed to get there. I was also on foot so I knew that if it was 9:00 am start time I would have to figure out transportation and where to go.
Feeling the walls were closing in on me, I went outside back of our apartment to get some fresh air and think. The back alley outside is about as daunting as any back alley can be. It's a beautiful view of the city, but you have to look past the insulin needles and meth/crack pipes laying all over. The little orange caps from the needles quite literally sprinkle the ground around the alley. There are typically addicts and homeless people everywhere. You can find them digging through the dumpster, laying in the dark corners on the pavement, or sitting on the short brick wall resting. As I stepped outside and breathed in the night air..my eyes looking at the paraphernalia on the ground I began to really doubt my decision to move. Moving here to Denver was a decision that was carefully made with a lot of prayer. My sister and I spent weeks praying and waiting for the inspiration before choosing this place. The way it fell together seemed inspired. But that night seemed, looking around, that maybe we had made a mistake. As a recovering drug addict, how could the Lord have chosen this to be the place that I would recover and start life over? Feeling doubt, I asked Heavenly Father to please comfort me and let me know I had made the right decision to move here. I said a short, but very heartfelt prayer for comfort.
After my prayer, I went back inside and took off my coat and my shoes. I went to go sit down and at that very moment, there was gentle knock at the door. I opened the door and there were two sister missionaries standing there.
My niece had lived in this apartment for over a year without a visit from any missionaries or anyone from the church. But on this night, literally moments after my prayer, there they were. I of course invited them in and shared the story with them. We laughed and teared up together. It was an amazing moment for all of us. I teased them for weeks that they showed up that night faster than Jimmy Johns. I mean talk about freaky fast.:)
I will never forget those two amazing sisters and their sacrifice they made to serve a mission for the Lord. I will never forget that night when the Lord heard my prayer and sent the sister missionaries to my door faster than Jimmy Johns.